So how does a man find himself when he’s broken, lost or unbalanced and has more questions about himself than answers? He starts by making one simple choice and asking...
Brett Rosen
08-12-2020
What makes a man?
It’s the title of one of my favourite songs written and performed by a good mate of mine. The song is a result of the end of a relationship and to make things worse, being told he’s not a man. Consequently, it’s something we’ve spoken a lot about over the last few years. It’s an apt question for many of us guys. One that i’ve been stuck on several times over.
To follow are some of the lyrics. Also, some of our experiences and takeaways. I hope they serve as a guide or at least as a starting point as others also contemplate man's great mystery - himself.
“Staring at the city lights, acting like I wasn’t there.
So we said, bye bye bye.
Sat there high, I watched you cry.”
I’m sure nearly every man who ever had a relationship end knows that look. I do. It’s that look that says it’s over. And as if that weren’t painful enough, what about when there’s something more to it?
“In our place, in our time,
I was the one that made you smile.
Always doubt, lingering,
So we fought, every week,
how the walls became so weak”
Sometimes it carries an extra sting. I don’t know if it’s the knowledge that she made the decision first. It could be that sex won’t be a sure thing again or worse. It could be because the person we have been closest too believes we’re not enough.
“Something sweet, something strong, now it’s gone.”
As if not being enough as a person isn’t bad enough - but not being enough as a man… It’s more than a bitter blow to the ego. It has got to be the ultimate kick in the nuts to any man. Especially for a man so driven as my mate. We hear in the culturescape that being driven is a virtue of a man.
I’m of the opinion that anyone who has a passion that matches their talent to such an extent as his is blessed. Given time, that can only lead to success right. So then, what really makes a man?
“I’m just doing what I looooooove
Just doin what I can.
Still not a man.”
This man’s full and honest expression of himself was not recognised or supported by a supposedly loving partner. Of course, when considering love and relationships he's going to ask himself -
“Girl, aint it a losing game?”
A healthy, loving relationship can’t be possible if each other can’t truly be themselves. Less so if both are not supported. That is as true for the man with no aspirations as it is for the man with enormous dreams. The right and supportive partner is a must for a strong relationship. But I digress - this is not about relationships with women so much as it is about a man’s relationship to himself. Because surely that’s where some understanding of what makes a man might be found.
The last few years have been a wild ride for both of us. At times, each of us would say we’ve been savaged by our love lives and our professional lives more so than any of the other areas of life. I reckon there must be something in that. If those two specifically are the catalysts for the question then surely they’re also the place to start looking for answers.
“Girl, what really makes a man?
I’m trying to understand.”
What really makes a man?”
Apparently it was Socrates who said “the un-examined life is not worth living.” So here we go.
For Aaron, his passion for his music is intense. His focus is unwavering and desire to succeed is endless. He lives and breathes his music. You could say the same thing about me and my relationship to my girlfriend a few years back. Nothing else really mattered. It’s easy to see why that single-mindedness caused a breakdown in his relationship. Mine perhaps less so. Both situations had a couple of easily discernible characteristics to anyone looking from the outside in.
Our dreams were matched by our strength of purpose. Our lack of awareness was matched by our lack of balance.
I can’t stress strongly enough the enormous power of having a clearly defined vision for your future. Especially when it's backed by the intense desire and purpose to see it through. But it has to be all encompassing right. No ship ever sailed safely and directly across the ocean without knowing clearly where it’s destination was. It also requires the effort of all the crew wanting to go in the same direction. That was the trouble both of us faced.
We only had one port along the way in mind and our partners either had a different destination in mind or at least a different port along the way. We knew the destination of one aspect of our lives without being able to bring that same clarity to any other. Neither of us could have described the kind of man we wanted to be or what we believed about health or family or finances. I lost myself to the point where I thought I was nothing without my relationship. Aaron lost his relationship and in a sense lost who he was too despite still having his music.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and suggest that what makes a man can be summed up as SELF-ASSUREDNESS and LEADERSHIP. The women I’ve spoken to agree these are at the top of the list of the most masculine traits a man can demonstrate. The trouble is, most men can lose that in the face of wanting to do all they can to please a lady.
Being a man is about the way in which he carries himself. It’s about how he stands in front of his partner, his family, his parents, his colleagues etc. It’s about having a certain belief in oneself. It’s about confidence and competence and clarity. Most importantly, this must be true across contexts. It’s not good enough for a man to be the king of the boardroom and a mouse in his own home.
So how does a man find himself when he’s broken, lost or unbalanced and has more questions about himself than answers? He starts by making one simple choice and asking a few powerful, attention directing questions. They are:
Am I going to be the victim of my life or the leader of it? Be the leader.
What do all leaders have in common? A clear vision for the outcome.
What else? Awareness of the current state of the situation.
What dothey do from there? They harness the power of desire to find a way to create a strategy to get from point A to point B.
When a man has a balanced vision - one that incorporates his work, his finance, his relationships, his character, his health, his emotional and intellectual life and his contribution - then he is ready to be the leader of his own life. Then and only then is he also ready to be the leader of a relationship. That is what it means to be masculine.
Just to clear up any misconception about masculinity. It is not about being tall, muscular, good looking, strong, aggressive or intimidating. It’s not about how a man dresses, how many tattoos he has, whether he can fight, what car he drives or how much money he makes. Anyone can hide their insecurity behind a facade and use it to bluff someone else who’s also hiding their own fragility.
A man must be genuinely self-assured. This is about how he feels about himself when he’s not trying to be anything for anyone else. Everyone would agree that to love someone else and to believe in and respect someone else, they need to be able to trust that person. So why do so many men treat themselves differently? Why can so many men keep their word to friends and family but not to themselves? Why do men make concessions to themselves, let themselves down and not keep to their word. If a man's word to himself can be disregarded any time he’s feeling weak, lazy or uncaring, how can he trust himself? If he can’t trust himself, how can he believe in himself? If a man can’t believe in himself then he can hardly show up with any true self-assuredness can he? He’s lost his most potent currency. A man's word to himself must be more valuable to him than gold. Then he can be assured. Then others can also depend on him.
Being a man is about being able to trust, respect, care for and believe in himself. It is about creating the awareness to have a clear, well-defined, balanced vision and purpose for how he wants to live his life. Then others know he is capable of leading them in the same way.
To touch briefly on relationships of all kinds. Being a man is to do all the above taking into account the needs and desires of others. It’s about caring for and taking care of others. Historically, it has always been this way whether it meant taking care of a patient, a partner, a family, a community or a kingdom.
To truly be a man - his greatest challenge must become his greatest accomplishment - that is to master his relationship to himself.
I write this post not from a place of having accomplished self-mastery but from the experience of having consciously moved further and further in that direction over the last few years. These ideas have also evolved as a consequence of working one on one with other dedicated, ambitious men. Men who, as they recognised some areas of their lives were suffering, found balance through that support. In doing so, they stepped into their power and became the leaders of their personal and professional lives.
I hope you’ve gotten as much food for thought from this as I have from writing it. Only so much can be developed in so few words. But who knows, the ideas shared above may even find their way into Triple J’s top 100 some day. Fingers crossed ;)
And now it’s over to the Love Drunk Hearts.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PtJVbKfR1BE&ab_channel=LoveDrunkHearts
